It’s Time to Rebuild

This is serious business.

I need to rebuild…myself.

I used to be a very active person.  I played in a basketball league every week.  I was running a lot.  I played football.  I could also do almost anything physical at a whim when it came to sports.  About this time last year, I could also do 48 consecutive pushups.

That’s who I used to be.  Who I am today is quite different.  

It’s as if I’m stuck in someone else’s body.  As some of you may know, I’ve been battling knee problems and ankle problems for over a year now.  This has left me out of commission for anything that has to do with jogging, running, and jumping which is nearly everything.  Also, due to some additional health problems, I’ve also lost all my muscles and my heart is beating too fast.  [Please don’t ask me about my health problems if you don’t already know about them – thanks.]  WHAT?  What do you mean you lost all your muscles?  Is that even possible?  Why yes, I’ve been losing weight – a lot of it in the past couple months – muscle weight – not fat.  Now before you start thinking about or commenting how lucky I am to lose all this weight without doing anything, let me warn you that I strongly despise it when people say stuff like that to me because it freaking sucks.  How would you like to walk around being all weak?  I can’t even do a single pushup.  I kid you not.  Not even one anymore.  I have to do “girl” pushups and when I do “girl” pushups, my arms shake and I can barely handle doing that many of them.  It sucks.

I need to rebuild because apart of me is a person that think of myself as strong, fit, and athletic.  I can lift things.  I can throw footballs far and fast.  I can run.  I can play.  I can be active.  But now that I can’t, it feels a little discouraging sometimes.  It’s a part of me.  I wonder if you understand?

My knee is now at a stage where it is getting slightly better.  It was still bothering me a bit a few months ago.  I think hiking Mt. Woodson actually helped me develop some muscles.  Being conscious of how I go up and down stairs has helped me.  I can now do some squats without pain.  It’s getting there and as it is getting there, I need to keep helping it, myself, get there.  My ankle is pretty good most days, I’d say 85-90%.  My strength is gone.  I need to start over.  A 10lb weight is heavy for my right and very difficult for my left arm/hand.

My arm shakes as I carry this 10lb weight with my left hand.

I sit here and I’m tired.  My arms are quivering and so are my legs.  I need to rebuild my muscles, my strength, my physical activity.  I want to play and I want to run.  I want to run because its freeing, therapeutic, and helps your heart and muscles.  Maybe I don’t need to run a half marathon but it sure would be nice to be able to make it around the lake again.  That seems far and out of reach.  I need to just get to the point where I can jog with no pain.  I need to be able to do pushups again.  At least 30 in a row.  That is far out of reach too.  Let’s work on 1.

It’s time now that my knee can handle a little bit.

A little prayer request if you get this far.  Please pray for my body and health so I can rebuild.